A Joker in London
by randomplotbunny
Summary: John and Jim just want to spend some time together but Sherlock is an utter prat and keeps interrupting their dates. Enter the Joker, who is all too happy to keep Sherlock busy so the happy couple can have some alone time. And who knows? Maybe this is just the push his Batsy needs to come to his senses. Established Johniarty, eventual Joker/Batman.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: This story is dedicated to the amazing GreenEyedCat who gave me this brilliant idea- as well as several others in the same vein- I just hope I live up to her expectations._

_And just so you know: I always imagine the Joker as the green-haired, white skinned, genius madman he started out as rather than the make-up wearing, scarred psychopath he has more recently become. I do love both versions, and I won't begrudge anyone imagining him anyway that they prefer, but my heart will always belong to the original Joker. _

**Disclaimer: I own neither Sherlock or Batman and that makes me very sad.**

_Sorry about tonight. Raincheck? Sherlock has a new case, it's a nine. JW_

Jim read this message with a sigh. He was seated at a table set for two in one of his more cozy flats, he'd been waiting for John to show but that was now a distant dream.

If only this wasn't such a common occurrence, he thought.

Half of their dates were cancelled due to Sherlock getting a suddenly interesting case or 'accidentally' hurting himself just enough to keep John by his side for the night.

Of the dates they managed to actually go on about half of _those _were interrupted by an urgent call from Sherlock, an urgent call from DI Lestrade about Sherlock or even the man himself showing up to whisk John away.

If Jim wasn't so perceptive a person he might start thinking that John preferred Sherlock's company to his own, but the things John did to him when they finally managed to spend more than an hour together was more than enough reassurance for his peace of mind.

_That's fine. Say hi to Sherly for me. JM_

Blowing out the candles Jim grabbed his jacket and left the flat.

Just as he was climbing in his car to return to his office- if he couldn't spend time with his Johnny he might as well make someone else's life miserable- his phone pinged with a new message.

_I really wish there was a way to keep him busy when I'm not around. I want to spend more time with you. JW_

Just as Jim began thinking of all the ways to keep Sherlock 'busy' John sent him another text.

_That doesn't mean I want you to start up a game with him! JW_

_I just wish there was someone else out there that could handle him. JW_

Smiling- his John knew him so well!- Jim scraped his ideas and started a mental list of people who would fit the criteria for Sherlock-sitters. Such as: highly intelligent, energetic, charismatic, a keen scientific background wouldn't be amiss and with no interest in taking over London.

John would never forgive him if he were to let someone destroy his favorite city.

_You have the best ideas, love. I'll see what I can do. JM_

Relaxing back with a smile Jim knew the perfect person to call, the only problem he would have would be convincing the man to leave his beloved city for even a short while.

Clowns could be so stubborn.

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Arkham Asylum, the most luxurious spa resort any super villain could hope to be incarcerated in. It's revolving door policy mixed with its helpful staff combine to make your stay both relaxing and fun.

The Joker cackled maniacally at his own joke from the confines of his padded cell even as he tore out of his straight jacket and threw the shreds at the guards who had just tossed him in after another mandatory therapy session.

These fools thought that a little one-on-one would cure him? There was nothing wrong with him!

He was just as sane as any other World Class Criminal Mastermind!

He was just feeling a little run down at the moment, maybe a bit neglected, and was staying in his reserved suit here while he thought up something new to do once he broke out.

His Batsy had ignored him for the longest time before tossing him in here, after all- and without even breaking any of his bones! He was really starting to think he was the only one committed to this needed to come up with something spectacular to get the Big Man's attention.

So lost in his thoughts- it could have been for a few minutes or a few days for all he cared, time didn't really matter when he had nothing to do- he only noticed the guard entering his cell when the door closed behind him with a click.

Idiots. Didn't they ever learn?

You would think the bloodstains covering his walls would be warning enough to these men not to approach him alone.

Turning to the soon to be dead man he paused.

The guard was shaking in fear, but not of him. He was staring at the phone in his hands.

"A-a pl-pleasure to meet you, M-Mr. J-Joker." Raising a brow the clown leaned back against a wall and regarded his guest.

Deciding to see where this was going he dropped his psychotic act- even though it was just so much fun!- and addressed the puppet in his cell with all due eloquence, a feat his doctors and every citizen of Gotham would be more than surprised to witness.

Maybe he should try it on his Batsy, at the very least it would throw the man for a loop.

"I would express the same sentiment but I don't know to whom I am talking." He smirked as the guard flinched before reading the newest message to him.

"D-do forgive me, b-but time is not on my side at the moment and I couldn't g-get away. The n-name is Jim, Jim Moriarty. Hi." Both brows raced for his hairline at that.

Moriarty was a name that even HE could respect after all.

"This truly is a pleasure then. But what do you want with me? As far as I know you don't have any business ventures in Gotham."

"T-true. But I'm hoping to l-lure you out of Gotham for a sort of w-working vacation."

"I'm on vacation right now, as I'm sure you realize. Why would I want to leave my precious city unattended and unamused just to work for you?"

"B-Batman." The clown tensed, not liking this sudden turn of the conversation.

"Y-you and he haven't been s-seeing eye-to-eye recently. And you know what they say: a-absence makes the heart grow fonder." Narrowing his eyes the Joker regarded his visiting puppet, who was sweating buckets now, for a moment and thought that over.

Would his Batsy start to miss him if he left for a while?

Would his Dark Knight even notice his absence?

How long would it take for his precious Bat to come looking for him?

There was only one way to find out, but that didn't mean he had to go into this blind; or even play along with the feared Consulting Criminal's rule book.

"And just what would be my 'job' while on this 'working vacation'?"

"I-I have a love interest, but he has a f-flatmate that gets in the w-way and I'm not allowed to k-kill him. I need s-someone that can keep him interested, d-distracted, so I can spend some uninterrupted time with my J-Johnny. I will, of c-course, pay all your expenses." Wondering just what type of man would be able to hold the Consulting Criminal's attention, let alone prevent him from out right killing an interfering roommate, he made his decision- at the very least he would be able to meet this 'Johnny' and form his own opinion.

"Fine. I'll help. A little time away from the old city might even do me some good. Who is it that I'll be distracting anyway?"

"H-his name is Sherlock Holmes, a-and I'm sure you will get along great. Y-your ride is outside." A bullet then passed through the one tiny window in the cell and ripped through the guard's head and added a new pattern to the stains on the wall.

Chuckling to himself- he really loved a villain with style and a good sense of dramatics- the Clown Prince of Crime took the keys and phone from the dead man and let himself out.

He was halfway across the Atlantic before anyone noticed the body in his cell or the fact that he himself was gone.

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Sherlock stepped into the flat and paused upon seeing who was there to greet him.

"Hey! You must be Sherlock, call me Joker. John is staying with his boyfriend while I'm in town and was nice enough to let me use in his room while I'm here. We're flatmates now!"

Ignoring the exuberant clown lounging in John's chair, Sherlock grabbed for his phone- it pinged with several message alerts before he could even try and send one.

_The Joker is on vacation, really he is. He has even promised not to kill anyone as long as they don't try to kill him first. JW_

_And yes: I am letting him stay in my room while he's here. JW_

_I'll drop in later this week to see how you're getting on. Play nice now. JW_

_Don't call him unless it's an emergency, I'm going to be keeping my Johnny very busy. JM_

_Try talking about chemistry with the clown, he's really very good at it. :-) JM_

Closing his phone he looked at the unrepentant man that had been reading over his shoulder and got a large grin.

"Now that that is over with... Dinner? I don't know about you but I'm starved." With a frown that had no effect on his unwanted guest the Consulting Detective of 221b Baker street turned around and led the way out of the flat.

He would play this game until he figured out what the point of it was and then he would turn the tables on everyone and get his John back, but until then he could take this opportunity to study the Joker in detail.

It wasn't often one got the opportunity to observe one of the infamous Rogues of Gotham in person after all.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: Chapter warning: There be smut ahead! If you don't like it don't read it, but don't say you haven't been warned._

**Disclaimer: If you recognize it then you know that it isn't mine.**

"And just who the hell are you?" Sally Donovan, most abrasive officer on DI Lestrade's team, sneered as she blocked the entrance to the crime scene.

She never noticed as several of her colleagues went pale or Anderson, he sometimes lover, made hushing motions off to her right.

"It's bad enough having you here, freak, now you're bringing the whole circus with you?" Almost every officer who saw this started to back away, none wanting to be associated in any way with what they expected to happen next.

Anderson just covered his eyes with his hands and moaned quietly in despair as he realized that this was what Sherlock had meant every time he had said that stupidity was painful to watch.

"There is no way I'm letting you bring a clown in here, letting you bring your pet doctor along was bad enough." Everyone who had thought that the situation couldn't get any worse just had their expectations blown.

To insult the Joker to his face was bad enough- and just what was Gotham's top crazy doing with Sherlock anyway?- but to insult John Watson, a man whom everyone who met him adored, was just sinking to a new level of low.

Any sympathy Sally may have gotten before vanished with that remark.

And as everyone waited for the Joker- and some for Sherlock, they all knew how protective the man was over his friend- to cut Donovan down to size- either verbally or physically, it was a toss-up as to which would happen- they got a surprise when a calm Joker simply turned to a blank faced Sherlock with a question.

"I thought you said that that Anderson fellow would be the dumbest person I would meet today? You never said anything about a suicidal moron." Eyes widened slightly as the usually stoic detective flashed a quick smile at that before answering.

"He usually is, though my estimation of him has gone up marginally today as he was smart enough not to try and defend Sally here. As for what her problem is I can only assume that it ties in with her poor work ethic, seeing as how everyone else recognized you on first sight and she has no clue. Truly poor detective skills you have there, Sally, if you can not even recognize one of the most wanted and dangerous men in the World." Brushing past the spluttering Sargent the two men entered the building to find DI Lestrade standing over a dead woman in the middle of a blood splattered hall.

As with outside, with one notable exception who was even now getting filled in on what a monumental mistake she had just made, every police officer who saw them instantly recognized the tall fellow at Sherlock's side.

It was Lestrade, left to be spokesman by all those who wanted nothing to do with the clown that was well known for killing cops by the dozen on a whim, that finally broke the tense silence that had fallen at the duo's entrance.

"S-Sherlock? Where's John?" Sherlock ignored him even as the Joker grinned widely at him.

"You know, you're the first person to ask that. Good on you! He's staying with Jimmy while I Sherlock-sit for them. Now why are we here?" The DI made a weak motion towards the corpse at his feet, still too in shock with coming face-to-face with THE Joker and the subsequent revelation to do much else.

"A dead adulterous killed by her female lover when she refused to leave her husband? Is that all?" Lestrade stared a moment before going to ask how he knew any of that when he was cut off by Sherlock.

"You forgot the part where her lover is also her secretary and is also having an affair with the husband- look at her shoes- but what I find interesting is that you knew any of that at all." Rolling his eyes the Joker waved a lazy hand at the blood on the walls.

"Look at it, so very passionate, could only have been done by a scorned woman. And then this lady's hair, no woman having an affair would let her roots show unless she was comfortable in her marriage. Why did we even come out here anyway? It is all just so plain to see." Turning for the door he flashed a grin at a newly informed, though no less hostile, Sally Donovan before walking out.

"He is correct, find the secretary- she's probably with the husband right now trying to seal that relationship before he gets away too- and you will have your killer." With a nod to the openly glaring Sargent, Sherlock followed his temporary flatmate with a new interest.

It had been almost a full twenty-four hours since his arrival and he was finally starting to show himself to be interesting. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad arrangement after all.

He was supposed to be good with chemicals, too, wasn't he?

"Sir? You're not going to just let them walk out of here, are you?" Lestrade ran a hand over his face, feeling ten yeas older and not in the mood to deal with his belligerent subordinate after having the scare of a lifetime put into him at the Joker's sudden and unexpected appearance.

If he had known what she had said before the two had walked in he would have just called it a day and started drinking.

"And what would you have me do, Sally? Arrest him? Them? What?" Taken aback by her boss's snap she quickly rallied, it would take more than rumors surrounding a clown and her boss's temper to put a crack in her overweening self-confidence.

"Well, yeah! We're cops, arresting people is what we do!" Lestrade gave a short bark of laughter at that even as he directed the crime scene crew to finish up their work.

"Sally, when we get back to the office I want you to pull the Joker's file and read it carefully, paying special attention to the descriptions of what happened to those foolish officers who attempted to arrest the Clown Prince of Crime without a good tactical plan and a lot of back-up." With that he went outside to make a phone call, leaving a very frustrated and still unbelieving Donovan in his wake.

When his call went straight to voicemail he left a message and then got back to work, the way he was feeling it was likely that this day would never end.

"Hey, John, give me a call when you can. I need to know what's going on with Sherlock and his... new friend. Thanks."

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John heard his phone go off with a voicemail alert somewhere behind him, but he couldn't be bothered to spare it a thought as he continued the delightful task he had set himself.

"John... John... Oh! Johnny! Yes!" Such wonderful sounds he was pulling from his normally fearsome and quiet lover, not even the painful grip the man had on his hair could detract from his pleasure at those sounds.

Rolling his tongue, opening his throat, swallowing; he knew all the ways to break through his partners barriers and leave him a needful mess of desire.

As Jim's voice began to crack as he moaned out in ecstatic pleasure John pulled back and off with an obscene 'Pop!'.

"I think that is enough of that, don't you?" John's amused smirk grew wider as Jim fought to find his voice.

"John! You are positively EVIL!" Chuckling at his overly aroused partner's stricken face, the good doctor began kissing his way up Jim's body.

"Well, I did learn from the best." He said as he ghosted a breath over a hard nipple, causing Jim to shiver and break out into goosebumps.

Finally making it up so that they were lip to lip John gave a slight groan as he saw how blown Jim's eyes were with lust.

"Then I should probably keep up with your lessons, shouldn't I?" With that Jim slammed John back down onto the bed and went to work.

This was what he had worked so hard for, to get Jim to stop thinking and just act on his desires. He probably wouldn't be able to move once they were through, but that was all just part of the fun.

It always amazed John that as callous as Jim was in his daily dealings he was such a caring and attentive lover, it was why it took so long for John to break him down so he would just take what he wanted the way the doctor wanted him to.

A little over an hour later John could barely think straight, let alone tell you how they had gotten to this point. All he could remember was that it had been fun.

His arms were shaking, barely keeping him up, his knees hurt with all his weight resting on them; and Jim wasn't yet willing to give him what he wanted.

Ping!

"That's the twelfth message in five minutes, don't you want to know what dear Sherly is up to?" Shaking his head, and resisting the urge to scream for Jim to either fuck him already or go back to what he had been doing, John just hung his head and moaned.

"Why don't we call him and find out what is so important, hm?" The bed shifted as Jim retrieved John's phone and then dipped as he climbed back up.

"Please Jim, this is too much." He whimpered even as the phone began ringing out.

"You should have thought of that before you started teasing me, love. You know how competitive I am." With that he set the phone on speaker and placed it on the pillow next to John and then moved back to his new favorite spot- directly behind the doctor and between his legs.

The phone was answered on the fourth ring- showing just how distracted Sherlock must be to have taken so long- just as Jim resumed his interrupted work.

"John? Finally. I need you home NOW. The clown refuses to follow the simplest instructions and needs to be evicted immediately!"

John was in bliss as Jim's tongue worked it's magic.

"So I can start chemical reactions you've never seen before- so what?! It's not like you can't paint over the scorch marks on the ceiling or dye your hair back to black! Though personally I prefer this shade of purple, it matches your shirt."

John gasped as Jim added a finger and his arms threatened to give out on him as he shook with need.

"John, if you do not come home now I will not be held responsible for my actions. Do you here me? John?!"

Jim hit that one spot inside him that made him see stars and he broke.

"Bloody hell, Sherlock! Grow up and deal with it yourself! I've only been gone one day, damn it! Now shut up! Jim is doing wonderful things to my arse and I don't need you dragging out the foreplay anymore than we already have!" With that John's arms gave out and he fell face first into the pillows, arse in the air and Jim chuckling behind; which in turn sent all new waves of wonderful pleasure through him.

"Hello? You still there? Whatever you said seems to have broken the detective. Could you repeat it so I can try it some time?"

As John lay half collapsed on the bed Jim moved behind him to finally put an end to all the endless teasing.

"Yes! Yes! Jim! Yes! Fuck me! Yes!" Jim set a brutal beginning pace that would insure that neither of them lasted long, but considering how long they had waited that was a given anyway.

John devolved into a series of harsh grunts and whispered encouragements as he was taken, the phone still on and connected long since forgotten even though it lay a mere hands breadth from his face.

"Yeah, I guess that would do it." Hanging up the phone the Joker looked over at the frozen in place detective with frazzled purple hair and lost looking eyes and smirked.

"I wonder if I can get them to make a video? It would be useful for whenever I want to shut you up." Sherlock turned to glare at the clown with something akin to hatred in his eyes, it was the first real emotion the detective had shown in the Joker's presence.

The Joker just smiled wider at this, this vacation was finally starting to get interesting.

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Batman sat in front of his supercomputer looking for any traces of where the Joker had disappeared to after escaping Arkham.

It had been nearly two days since his escape and yet no bodies had turned up and no wild plans had been put into motion. His silence was almost frightening for all its rarity.

Just as he began a new, wider search- the Joker rarely left Gotham proper, and he never went very far on the few occasions he did- an anonymous message came to life on his screen.

Doing a quick trace before he opened it he got as far a London, England before the trail petered out to nothing.

Scanning for it for viruses, and ready to burn the file if it turned out to be a Trojan horse, he opened it.

Inside it was a series of pictures, all taken from CCTV footage, and all time stamped.

The oldest was taken just the day before and showed the Joker walking happily with rather handsome man in a dark coat who had a rather serious expression into a restaurant.

The next was of them inside the restaurant- Angelo's, according to the sign on the window- eating dinner. There was a candle on the table and the Joker was laughing, having a good time; he couldn't see the other man's face or expression.

There was a dozen more still shots of the two of them: walking along the streets, getting in a cab together, entering a building together that was clearly a dwelling- probably the mystery man's- and finally a shot taken through a window of the two of them leaning over a chemistry set together talking animatedly and holding up various vials.

Looking down when he felt a pain he noticed he had clenched his fist into a vise like grip.

Relaxing he took a deep breath and began the work of verifying what he had been sent.

Two hours later Bruce Wayne was packed and ready to leave for London on urgent business first thing in the morning, and the Batman was out on the streets letting off some steam on any criminal that happened to get in his path.


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: This is just a bit of a filler chapter, but it should still be funny- I hope._

**Disclaimer: You know and I know that they are not mine.**

"So, you don't act as homicidally psychotic as the papers make you out to be, why is that?" John asked his companion as they continued down the aisle with their cart.

"I _am_ on vacation, you know." Joker said with a smile, he was starting to see just why both Sherlock and Jim were constantly fighting for this man's time and attention.

Dr. John Watson was surprisingly easy to get on with.

The good doctor had shown up at Baker street earlier that morning just to check in. (ie: to make sure they hadn't killed each other or burnt the flat down)

_"What's this thing?"_

_"It's a puzzle box! I made it especially for blonde-boy here."_

_"Puzzle box, right. And just what is the special prize inside? And Sherlock, why is your hair blonde? I thought it was supposed to be purple."_

_"..." The detective ignored them._

_"He tried dyeing it black, but failed to realize there would be... adverse chemical reactions when mixing the hair dye with the chemicals I'd already put in there." John watched as Sherlock's hair started turning a fiery, angry red even as his expression remained fixed._

_"He has mood hair now! Even I didn't predict that! I thought his hair would just fall out!" John stared stunned while the Joker broke out into hysterical laughter._

_"Right." John squared his shoulders and coughed into his hand to hide his chuckle as Sherlock's hair turned an embarrassed orange before fading back to a concentrating blonde._

_"Right. So... what is inside the puzzle box, again?"_

_"Oh, just his violin. He was making the most horrible racket with it this morning so I built this so he would stop. Just a bit of fun, really." Sherlock's hair turned blue- which John thought might mean he was exacerbated- before speaking up for the first time since John had entered the flat._

_"He has placed it inside a box wrapped in an acid bubble, one wrong move and my violin will be exposed to the acid and ruined. Very fun indeed." John just hid his smirk, he could see that Sherlock was fully involved with his puzzle and not bored in the slightest. An amazing feat in and of itself._

_"So, are you settling in alright? Have everything you need?" John asked of the Joker as he left Sherlock to his own devises._

_"Hmm, we could use some more milk... and some more napalm."_

_"Well... let's start with the milk, shall we?"_

And so here they were, at John's favorite market, just him and the Joker, picking up groceries.

"Hobnobs! I haven't had those in years!" John just watched as the clown loaded every box the store had into the cart and then ran off to find more things he liked.

Shaking his head the doctor followed.

This day couldn't get anymore surreal if it tried, he thought, especially not with that party Jim was insisting on throwing for the Joker tonight.

Which reminded him, he still had to give Joker his invite.

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Bruce was just settling into his hotel room when there was a knock on his door, it was an attendant with an envelope addressed to him.

Alone once more he opened it to see that it was an invitation to a dinner party.

_Bruce Wayne_

_Your presence is hereby requested tonight at a welcome to London party for visiting Gothamites_

_Casual dress and only what weaponry you normally carry_

It then went on to list the location and time.

A party for visiting Gothamites? Weapons? His suspicious nature didn't have far to go to know that this was a trap of some sort.

But he would still go, he knew, it sounded like just the sort of place to meet with the Joker.

And maybe find out who that mystery man he was hanging out with was.

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"I really think the hair is an improvement, little brother. It suits you."

"Shut up."

"Pray tell me, what emotion does that lovely shade of pink stand for?"

"Annoyance."

"Oh? And what could be annoying you, I wonder. Possibly the fact that your flatmate has finally slipped your net? Or perhaps that he managed to find you a sitter that is better at chemistry than you are?" The slamming of a door and the sounds of feet on the stairs interrupted them.

"Sherlock, we're back!" Came John's call as he pushed the door open, arms loaded down with bags.

"And I managed to find some salt peter!" Cried the Joker as he swung a large bottle dangerously around his head.

"And that is my que to leave, I do believe. Just think about what I said earlier, dear brother." With a nod to the entering doctor and clown he was gone.

"What did he want, Sherlock?" John asked as he began putting away the edibles.

"He wants me to run Joker out of he country before he can start causing chaos, he has even enticed the Batman over just to help matters along." A crash came from the kitchen-thankfully not the salt peter bottle- as the Joker jolted at this news.

"My Batsy is here?! But I'm not prepared! I don't even have any explosives ready yet!"

"Vacation, remember?" John soothed, and then began to gently coax. It didn't take a genius to recognize how deeply the Joker was attached to his vigilante, or to see that they just needed a push to break the status quo and get to the next level- whatever that might entail.

"I'm sure he'll understand. Why don't you try and convince him to join you? It's always sounded to me like he doesn't get any real time to just relax. This could be a good opportunity for you both to spend time together outside of your roles as the Clown Prince and the Dark Knight."

"He'd never go for it." But it was obvious that the clown really wished he would.

"Why not?" John prodded.

"Because... Just because!" Joker then crossed his arms over his chest with a huff and John knew that that was the end of the discussion, so he changed the topic by finally handing the clown his official invitation.

"Here, Jim's hosting a party tonight just for you and any other big name Gothamites that might be in London at the moment. I think there's going to be that rich philanthropist there. What's his name... Wayne?" With his back to the room as he put away the last of the canned goods he never saw the Joker stiffen, or the intrigued look on Sherlock's face- it made his hair turn purple.

"Yeah, that's it. I hope you'll come. You too, Sherlock. If I can get all you genius madmen in the same room without killing each other I'll be a happy man." Without taking his eyes off of the frozen clown Sherlock replied for the both of them.

And if John noticed how is hair had turned a devious white he made no comment.

"We'll be there, John, no worries on that. Any opportunity to rub elbows with the upper crust and all that." Nodding, John decided to get out of there, leave these two to work whatever it was out on their own.

"Right. Well! I'm off then. See you both tonight."

"Well, now. Looks like you'll be able to spend time with your 'Batsy' without having to blow anything up after all." Sherlock said with a ghost of a smile once John had gone.

"Shut up."

"Come now, you know John will be the only man in the room who doesn't know that Wayne is really the Batman; and he's not stupid. He'll figure it out before the night is through, just the fact that Moriarty invited him to a dinner for YOU will already have set him to thinking." Sherlock was almost openly laughing now as the Joker began glaring daggers at him.

"That color of smug grey doesn't suit you at all." He growled out.

"Remember to dress well. You want to impress your man tonight, after all."

"Shut up!"


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: One more chapter after this!_

**Disclaimer: So not mine.**

_Alright, first question: Bruce is really Batman, isn't he? JW_

_Yes. JM_

_Okay. Second question: I'm the last to figure it out and none of you even considered telling me, right? JW_

_We knew you'd get there eventually. JM_

_If it's any consolation HE is the only one not aware that everyone else knows what he does at night. JM_

With a long-suffering sigh John leaned into Jim's shoulder and looked up from the phone in his lap and out over the table at his dinner companions.

Jim had really outdone himself tonight.

The table was round, so there was no 'head of the table' for anyone to sit at and lord it over everyone else, everyone was on equal footing here tonight.

The food was simple but delicious, there was something everyone would enjoy.

And Jim had sat Bruce right between Sherlock- who was on John's right- and the Joker- who was on Jim's left.

Between Sherlock's ever-changing hair color- John had worried for a moment that Jim would burst something he was laughing so hard when he heard about it- and not even thinly veiled acidic comments, and Joker's highly inappropriate anecdotes concerning how he could easily kill Sherlock in his sleep with no-one being any the wiser, it was a wonder the poor man hadn't snapped already and started busting heads.

It was also a wonder that he didn't seem to realize how jealous he was obviously being of all the attention that Joker was giving to Sherlock instead of him.

_We should lock those two up in a closet somewhere until they either shag or kill each other. JW_

_I completely agree, love. JM_

_But which pair are you referring to? There seems to be a bit of tension brewing between our esteemed clown and crotchety detective. JM_

_Dear Lord Jim, don't even joke about that! JW_

_But know that you've mentioned it I can't stop thinking about it. JW_

_The images! The horrible images! Get them out of my brain! JW_

Jim's sudden and unexpected laughter rang across the table bringing a halt to the discussion- more like argument- concerning poisoning techniques between Sherlock and Joker.

Bruce simply looked relieved at the sudden silence.

And of course every man at the table knew at a glance that he and John had been texting each other under the table.

_Do you think it would be alright if I were to start up a conversation concerning Batman with Joker? JW_

_Darling, I think that would be a wonderful idea. JM_

"So Joker, as fascinating as your poisoning techniques are I have a question. Bruce here might even be able to answer it, but I'd really like to have a villain's perspective."

"Ask away, I've nothing to hide." Sherlock snorted at that but everyone ignored him.

"My question is about Batman: What is it like to live in a city protected by a man that likes to run around in tight rubber pants and beat people up? I know Americans have more outlandish tastes than us here, but that can't seem normal to people, can it?" Jim was on the verge of more laughter, Sherlock looked highly amused, Bruce had gone blank faced and the Joker seemed thoughtful.

A minute passed before he replied.

"You know, I don't think I've ever thought of it that way. He's always just been THE Batman, our Dark Knight protecting us all from the evils of this world, I've never given any real thought as to his dress sense." He tapped his chin in a thoughtful manner and then suddenly smiled.

"Of course, if I had a body like he does I'd want to show it off too!" John gave an appropriate chuckle and went to ask something else when he was interrupted by both Jim's and Sherlock's phones going off.

"Lestrade needs me, a body was found in Parliament!" With that Sherlock jumped up and was away, hair changing to black with his excitement.

"And I have a client that wants to get out of the country fast." Jim said as he gently kissed John and exited through a different door.

"I guess I should follow the man-child before he hurts himself. A pleasure to have met you Bruce, see ya later John." As the Joker sauntered out after Sherlock John turned to the torn looking vigilante.

He could see Bruce wanted to make his escape, don his costume and follow his clown; but there was no way John was giving up this opportunity to push the great Batman into admitting his feelings.

"So, after dinner drinks?" With a sigh the billionaire conceded.

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"What's going on with your hair?" Lestrade asked as Sherlock circled the body on the floor.

"The clown." Was his short answer as he stooped down to get a better look at the floor, not caring as everyone watched his hair go through a kaleidoscope of colors.

"It was an unforeseen chemical reaction, he was meant to go bald but this happened instead. I kind of like it, myself." The Joker explained helpfully as he watched the detective work, not showing any reaction as the officers around him got into position.

"Okay, but why does it keep changing colors?" The officers were almost in place now, just another minute and they would have him.

"That's his emotions showing- he has mood hair now! If I could figure out how it happened I could bottle it and make a mint." Everyone was in position now, just waiting for the signal.

"Yeah, I can think of a few people that would like that." Lestrade went to scratch his nose when the Joker caught his eye with a hard look and shook his head.

Giving a sigh- he knew when to give it up as a bad go- the DI instead scratched his ear and the assembled officers melted away again.

"Found anything useful, Sherlock?" Lestrade asked, the body being the main reason any of them were there in the first place.

"Other than the fact that your officers make more noise than a heard of zebra when trying to move stealthily? Only that this man was working on finding a traitor that has been selling secrets to foreign powers- look at the ink stains on his tie- and was killed when he foolishly confronted the one responsible instead of turning them over to the proper authorities- the crease of his pant leg there. They will be trying to get out of the country right now, but I doubt they will get far- no-one wants to help a turncoat that is no longer of any use. You will most likely find him in the river within the next few days, or perhaps in a hotel bathroom after committing 'suicide'." With that he did his swooping exit, leaving the Joker to catch up in his own time.

"So, 'mood hair'. And there at the end, the gilded gold color, what emotion was that for?" Lestrade asked as he began making notes, needing to get Sherlock deductions down before he forgot them.

"The gold? That would be satisfaction, he was being self-congratulating." Strolling after the detective he just made out the DI's muttered 'figures' before he got outside.

"Sargent Donovan." He said in greeting with a nod as he walked past. She had been surprisingly silent this time, though her hateful glare still needed work.

Filing that thought away for future use he caught up with Sherlock just as he was climbing into a cab.

"So where to next, hair-boy?" He simply got a glare for that as they pulled away from the curb.

"John wants to see us for something, says it's important." Wondering what it could be the Joker relaxed back for the ride.

If he had known what was to come he would have jumped from the moving car.

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"Let me out of here!" The clown screamed as he slammed his shoulder into the one and only, heavy-duty door in the room.

"That won't work, this is a converted bomb shelter after all." Said the billionaire play-boy of Gotham from his sitting position on the only piece of furniture in the room large enough to seat a man comfortably- a king sized four-posted bed.

John had really outdone himself in finding this 'closet' to lock them up in, as well as what he had said before shutting the door on them.

_"Bruce, Joker already knows you're Batman, has for years now. Joker, he is in love with you, he just doesn't know how to admit it- even to himself. Have fun now, there's champagne and nibbles in the chest there. See you both tomorrow!" _

And with that the door was shut and they were locked it. That was an hour and a thorough search of the room ago.

There was no way out until the door was opened from the outside.

"How can you be so calm about this!" The Joker yelled with a snarl. He so didn't want to start talking, there were so many... _feelings _that they had to discuss thanks to John's little revelations- and he didn't want to do it!

"I'm not any happier with this situation than you are, but it won't do any good to exhaust yourself needlessly. Sit down, we can wait this out." Flinging himself onto the bed on the opposite side from the billionaire- he refused to think of Bruce as Batsy when he wasn't wearing his costume!- the Joker sulked.

Time passed as the two stubborn men remained silent, both refusing to even think about what had been said, and as patients frazzled around the edges a bottle was opened and passed back and forth.

And then another.

And a third.

Soon they were sitting shoulder to shoulder, tongues loosened by the flow of alcohol.

"You never said a word about knowing it was me under the mask."

"Well of course not! You would have totally freaked out!"

As tongues loosened so did other qualms and soon neither man could deny the direction that this evening was heading...


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Last chapter! I gave it a 'Happily Ever After' type ending, so I hope everyone likes it.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you may recognize, I'm just playing with these characters for my enjoyment and your amusement.**

A pair of thin, red lips slowly descended on a pair of plump, parted ones. A low groan broke the silence of the room, though it was uncertain as to who issued it.

"Wakey, wakey, love. We have a plane to catch." In a lightning fast move two arms shot out and grabbed the speaker and flipped them over on the bed, eliciting a girlish shriek from the green-haired man now on his back.

"As much as I would absolutely LOVE to stay in bed with you all day-" Bringing a knee up into Bruce's ribs the Joker began the process of extracting himself from the bed.

And ended up on his stomach, hands Bat-cuffed to the side posts of the bed and with a nude vigilante sitting on his thighs.

"Damn it, B, we have a plane to catch and a wedding to attend! Get off!" But Bruce had other plans and leaned forward to begin nuzzling at Joker's long white neck.

"It's a private jet, they can't take off without us."

"He speaks!"

"Mmm, you smell so good..." As he sucked a mark into life on his Joker's shoulder Bruce also began rubbing his morning erection against the clown's unprotected backside.

"Really? After last night I though you'd be down for at least a week."

"The things you do to me..." Nipping up the side of the Joker's neck Bruce felt elated when his lover finally began responding to his caresses.

"Well... maybe we can be a little late... ohhh..." As he melted into the amorous embrace of his one and only, Joker couldn't help but think about how far they had come in the last year.

_One year ago:_

_Hot skin presses against hot skin, na__ils rake down sides, a back arches in delight. __Joy fills them as they find the stash of lube and condoms in the bedside drawer. S__creams of delight and whimpered pleas for more fill the air as they become one for the first time._

_After the second- or was it third?- time that they found each other they rested. Both of them aware that they had to talk about this but neither willing to do so, especially not when trapped together in a converted bomb shelter against their will._

_"That was amazing."_

_"It was."_

_"But it never happened." Sitting bolt upright- and ignoring the twinge of pain in his lower back from such sharp movement after his earlier activity- the Joker turned and stared angrily down at his unmasked Bat._

_"And why is that?" He growled out._

_"You know why." Bruce said as he sat up and rested against the headboard._

_"No I don't. Enlighten me!" Crossing his arms belligerently the Joker waited for an answer._

_Not meeting his lover's eye Bruce sighed and began to lay out his reasoning._

_"We are just too different, Joker, like oil and water. You believe in chaos and delight in murder, while I believe in justice and could never find it in me to take a life; even if I wanted to. Plus we have nothing in common, and you can't build a healthy relationship on sex alone." Before the clown could gather his thoughts for a rebuttal the door opened to reveal a grinning Jim and a worried John._

_"See! I told you that they would be at the argumentative stage of things by now."_

_"So? What if they hadn't been? Do you even know how awkward that would have been?!"_

_"No." The shorter blonde just rolled his eyes before settling his attention on the two men in the bed._

_"Sorry about, well, locking you in a room and forcing you to work things out when you really didn't want to."_

_"No problem, Doc, it's something I myself would have done; though I won't fully forgive you unless you can talk some sense into B here. He's being very obtuse in his opinion about us being together." Waving a hand at Bruce the Joker settled against the headboard himself and refused to look at the indicated man._

_Sitting down on the end of the bed Jim pulled John into his arms to sit with him._

_"That's why we're here, Johnny thought you two could use advise from a couple that has been there already." Kissing his John on the back of he neck Jim rested his head on John's uninjured shoulder and let the doctor take the lead, he'd stay silent and only speak up when needed._

_"I really doubt you can help, or that you know what problems we're having-"_

_"You're having! I'm not the one with a problem here!"_

_"-since you two are the epitome of a perfect couple." Bruce finished, sending a glare to the clown, that still wouldn't look at him, for interrupting- and he refused to admit that being ignored by the Joker hurt more than anything else ever had._

_"We were not always so perfect, you know. In__ fact, we are more like you two than you would think at first glance." John said as he turned to smile at Jim._

_"Jim here is a lot like Joker: brilliant, manipulative, an actor without compare and more evil than the devil himself."_

_"And John here is like you, Bruce: moralistic, grounded, honest to a fault and too good-natured to be believed." The two shared a loving kiss before turning back to the staring pair in the bed. It was of course Bruce that broke the silence._

_"Then how are you two even still together?"_

_"Compromise." They said in unison, making the Joker coo in delight._

_"You two are sooo cute when you do that!" Jim glared even as John giggled and then coughed to regain focus._

_"Jim and I started dating-"_

_"Sleeping together."_

_"DATING a couple of weeks after he tried to blow my best friend and myself up out of boredom, or for a game- you know, I never really understood the motivations of that move. Anyway. After a couple of months of sneaking around together- meeting at a different hotel everytime, letting myself get 'kidnapped' just to have lunch- I decided that I wanted something more. Something based on more than just fantastic sex."_

_"So he withheld sex until I agreed to talk it out with him. He was remarkably stubborn about it."_

_"Yes. Well... once I finally had him in agreement-"_

_"He tied me to a chair and blew me till I near burst, never letting me come until I agreed to do things his way."_

_"ONCE I FINALLY HAD HIM IN AGREEMENT..." John glared at Jim who only grinned back, meanwhile Joker was dissolving in laughter and even Bruce couldn't keep a grin off his lips at their by-play._

_"...I had us make up lists of things that we each wanted out of a relationship, as well as things we absolutely could never condone the other doing. To say that it was touch and go there at first would be an understatement."_

_"It took us a week of careful negotiating-"_

_"Lots of yelling."_

_"-but we eventually got to a place we could each live with."_

_"I don't badger him about his work as long as he does some pro bono work now and again and stays away from the more sordid aspects of his profession."_

_"Such as?" Joker asked, truly curious as to what John would consider too 'sordid' for a Criminal Mastermind to be involved with._

_"Terrorism, human trafficking and anything involving children." Jim said without missing a beat._

_"And I can no longer involve 'innocents' in my schemes or games, if I need or want to use a third-party they have to be guilty of something John would consider a crime." Bruce was shaking his head at this point and finally outright asked John:_

_"And you're okay with this?" John just shrugged and leaned more into Jim._

_"When you're in love you learn to live with your partners flaws, and it's not like I don't have my own share that Jim has to put up with."_

_"Oh? Like what? It's hard to believe you have any flaws, John." Joker said with a flirtatious wink, and the only thing that stopped Jim from reaching out and throttling the clown right then and there was the fact that he was only doing it to get a rise out of Bruce- and it worked, if the billionaires white knuckled fist was any indication that is._

_John just laughed it off._

_"My best friend, Sherlock- you met him at dinner earlier- hates Jim with a passion, and he hates that Jim and I are together. He keeps trying to dismantle Jim's operation, not to mention his brother is THE British government and would love to use me to spy on Jim and all his dealings. I think that is enough, don't you?"_

_"Plus he snores."_

_"I do not!"_

_"Loudly."_

_"So what kind of pro bono work do you do, Jim? Turn in some of your contacts from time to time? I don't think that would be too good for business." Joker asked, trying to redirect the conversation back to topic. He thought that they might be getting through to his B-man, but he wanted to nail the point home so there wouldn't be any room for conjecture later on._

_"That would be very bad for business, indeed, and my health too considering who I do business with, so no. Most recently I burned a child pornography ring out of London, and turned the rather extensive list of their clients over to Scotland Yard. John seemed very... pleased after that, after he was done being horrified at the sheer number of perverts in the World that is."_

_"I remember reading about that scandal, but I don't remember the ring organizers being caught. What did you do with them?"_

_"Like I said: I burned them out of London." Bruce looked horrified at this and seemed ready to argue the ethical high ground, but John put a stop to that, and any other argument on the subject, with just three little emotionally charged words:_

_"Child. Pornography. Ring." Subject now closed John decided that it would be a good idea to wrap this up and leave the two new lovebirds alone for a while, but not before leaving one last piece of advice._

_"It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you love and trust your partner you can overcome anything- including moralistic and ethical quagmires. Just talk it out," a pointed look at Bruce here, "and remember that you need to listen as well. Now we'll leave you two to start sorting things out, and don't worry, we'll leave the door unlocked this time." Standing to leave John headed for the door, only noticing Jim was lagging behind when he reached it._

_"What were you whispering to Joker just now?" John asked as they headed back up to their room, curious as to what could have put such a smile on the clown's face._

_"Oh, just asking him if he'd like to help me expand my business into Gotham, and possibly take over my entire Western Hemisphere set of operations so that I can spend more time at home. It would, unfortunately, keep him out of the public eye; but maybe that's for the best now, don't you think?" John could only grin at his lover as they finally made it to their bedroom, he had lots of ways to show his appreciation for that idea running through his mind._

Present day:

Finally on the plane- two hours late, but neither man was complaining- the Dark Knight of Gotham and her very own Consulting Criminal née The Clown Prince of Crime- Joker loved it when the other rouges all came to him needing something or other and he could then pass on their plans to his lover, it made things so much fun for him seeing everyone dancing to the tune he played- relaxed and discussed what they would be doing once they reached London.

"I'm not sure what Sherlock has planned for John's bachelor party, but whatever it is I'm sure that it will be boring so I'll have to fix it. You?"

"I believe we're going paintballing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's what Jim wants to do, so..."

"Hmm, sounds fun, I guess. Who all is going, do you know?"

"Jim, his best man Sebastian and myself."

"Only the three of you? Oh, well, I'm sure it will still turn out fun."

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_Splat! Splat! Splat!_

"They have us pinned down here, we need to move out now!"

"They'll have already thought of that and cut off all our exits. What we need is a distraction."

"I really am sorry, guys, if I'd known J would talk John and Sherlock into following us I never would have told him."

_Splat! Splat! Splat!_

"We have to get moving!"

"Bruce, are you really sorry?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Then make it up to us by running wildly through the woods." With that Jim pushed Bruce out into the open as he and Sebastian began moving silently away in the opposite direction.

He made it as far as a the next screen of trees before he was brought down.

_Splat! Splat!_

Two shots, one in each knee, and he went down. Those paintball thingies hurt!

"Well, well. Looky what I've caught." Looking up at his captor Bruce couldn't help but let his eyes travel appreciatively over the other man's body.

He always loved seeing Joker in armor, any kind of armor, it was one of his kinks and the clown knew it.

"A lone warrior, far from civilization, helpless and injured." Role playing was one of the Joker's many, many, kinks; and Bruce had no problems playing along as long as Joker kept the battle gear on.

"Sir, my friends are-"

"Already caught themselves, and about to suffer the same fate as you my pretty one." Bruce grinned at that, at how Jim's bachelor party had just gotten so much more fun for everyone.

"And what fate is that?" Joker just grinned- how he loved playing the conquering brute to his B's simpering slave- and let his eye travel along Bruce's well-kept form.

"Strip."

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Jim crossed his arms and stared up at his soon to be husband with a fierce glare- or the best he could do considering he was hanging upside down from a snare trap.

"I thought we agreed to separate bachelor parties." John grinned as he slowly approached Jim's slightly swinging form, eyes taking in every delectable detail.

"True, but Joker convinced me that this would be much more fun than bar hopping with Sherlock- and he was so right." Reaching out his hands, John slowly began undoing Jim's belt.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" Jim asked as he began to feel air flow around an area where none should be.

"Skinning my catch, it has to be done before I eat it you know." And with that John leaned in began to 'eat' him, and Jim knew he would never be able to think of snares or traps again without remembering this.

He was so glad he had decided to step into this one when he spotted it, it was the second best decision he had made for this day- his first being to lead Joker into bringing John out here for this very reason.

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"I won." He was ignored.

"That means I can claim whatever prize I like from you." Sebastian continued to tease the paint splattered and bound man in front of him.

"Fine. I won't follow them on their honeymoon." Seb chuckled even as he leaned forward.

"That wasn't what I was aiming for, but I'll take it." Sealing their mouths together he feels Sherlock struggle as he does every time, and if the genius gave in quicker than any time before in their past six months of dating- Sebastian thought Sherlock might have a kink for being tied up, but that would need experimentation later on to verify- well, no-one need know right?


End file.
